IN-LAW’S? OH BOY.
https://images.app.goo.gl/TAJ5URa561EVJxWf6
So, we need to cultivate family relations? We need to
nurture our ties and secure our roots. Preserve the family name and identity…
this is what they all say, and I say sure–if it is a healthy and safe family.
What if it isn’t? Then what? Well, here is where I would like to break off and
discuss something a little less flowery.
Elder Marvin J Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles discusses the value of cleaving unto your wife as outlined in
scripture while reminding the parent of their role as well. He says;
Certainly a now married-man should cleave onto
his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in
leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that
they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They’re still family, a
great source of strength… Wise parents, whose children have left to start their
own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of
domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern,
and encouragement. Marvin J Ashton,
(1974, January), He Took Him by the Hand, Ensign, 4(1), 101.
What beautiful words by Elder Ashton, however, I am sure you
could pick up on my bitter self, and so I would like to focus on the last half
of that quote. “Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own
families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of
domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love,
concern, and encouragement.” Yup this
is where I think things can’t get a little bit sticky. I came from a fairly happy family, other than
the occasional quarrel everyone was friends. My rose-colored glasses we’re not
fit for what I was about to walk into when I got married. My husband expressed
to me the dysfunction of his family but my naïve self was not able to
comprehend what he was sharing with me.
I knew that a spoonful of sugar consult just about everything, right?
Well was I in for a
big surprise! To save you all the gory details I will just fill you in with a
timeline. A good 10 years of heartache, disappointment, and even bouts of
temporary insanity seemed to be consuming my life. Then a dear friend of mine pointed out to me
that just because someone is family does not mean that you have to create a
relationship with them. If it is unhealthy and harmful, it is best to distance
oneself or even sever ties if necessary.
Staying in an abusive relationship just for the sake of family was never
part of Gods plan. I don’t know why we don’t teach this more often. I am sure
there are plenty of little children singing primary songs about their family
here on earth while being the subject of someone’s dysfunction. We are here to
learn how to function as families. Sometimes we have to create our own version
of the family unit. It might look like friends, award, neighbors. Whatever
looks like it should be healthy.
I am grateful that we had my family to lean on even though
we live far from them. I’m thankful for the in-laws I have that are healthy, and
capable of having loving relationships. I’m thankful for learning about
boundaries. Boundaries to saved the second 10 years of my marriage. I was able to create a boundary that kept me
and my family safe. That, I am thankful for!
