IN-LAW’S? OH BOY.

IN-LAW’S? OH BOY.

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So, we need to cultivate family relations? We need to nurture our ties and secure our roots. Preserve the family name and identity… this is what they all say, and I say sure–if it is a healthy and safe family. What if it isn’t? Then what? Well, here is where I would like to break off and discuss something a little less flowery.

Elder Marvin J Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles discusses the value of cleaving unto your wife as outlined in scripture while reminding the parent of their role as well. He says;

 Certainly a now married-man should cleave onto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They’re still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement. Marvin J Ashton, (1974, January), He Took Him by the Hand, Ensign, 4(1), 101.

What beautiful words by Elder Ashton, however, I am sure you could pick up on my bitter self, and so I would like to focus on the last half of that quote. “Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”   Yup this is where I think things can’t get a little bit sticky.  I came from a fairly happy family, other than the occasional quarrel everyone was friends. My rose-colored glasses we’re not fit for what I was about to walk into when I got married. My husband expressed to me the dysfunction of his family but my naïve self was not able to comprehend what he was sharing with me.  I knew that a spoonful of sugar consult just about everything, right?

 Well was I in for a big surprise! To save you all the gory details I will just fill you in with a timeline. A good 10 years of heartache, disappointment, and even bouts of temporary insanity seemed to be consuming my life.  Then a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that just because someone is family does not mean that you have to create a relationship with them. If it is unhealthy and harmful, it is best to distance oneself or even sever ties if necessary.  Staying in an abusive relationship just for the sake of family was never part of Gods plan. I don’t know why we don’t teach this more often. I am sure there are plenty of little children singing primary songs about their family here on earth while being the subject of someone’s dysfunction. We are here to learn how to function as families. Sometimes we have to create our own version of the family unit. It might look like friends, award, neighbors. Whatever looks like it should be healthy.

I am grateful that we had my family to lean on even though we live far from them. I’m thankful for the in-laws I have that are healthy, and capable of having loving relationships. I’m thankful for learning about boundaries. Boundaries to saved the second 10 years of my marriage.  I was able to create a boundary that kept me and my family safe. That, I am thankful for!