Let's Talk About...

Let’s talk about… Christmas Lights

BABY!

The following dialog is fictional and is in a similar pattern as presented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. in his book on marriage titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I will not use his actual non-fictional example (although his was good too), but I thought I would make it a little more applicable to the less obvious scenarios that rarely get mention, but still happen.

SHE: I don’t think you understand how it makes me feel. I don’t know why you think I would ever keep trying. I quit.

HE: I am sorry. I’m just really tired and I want to rest. It’s not you. It has nothing to do with you or us. Everything is fine. It’s just that tonight–it’s not happening.

SHE: It doesn’t feel that way. It’s humiliating. You make me feel so stupid. I will never ask you again. It’s all up to you now. If it’s ever going to happen, you will have to initiate it.

HE: You are so insecure. Why do you make it all about you? We will do it eventually, just not right now.

SHE: You are so selfish and you are putting a wedge between us.

If you haven’t guessed, this conversation is all about se …tting up Christmas lights! (That is BYUI code for “s e x.”) All joking aside. Thank heaven Gottman addresses this topic in chapter sex, I mean chapter nine of his book. I once heard it said that when both partners are on the same libido plan (frequency) then sex is a very “small” portion of marriage, but when the libido plans don't match, then sex consumes everything in a marriage, and not in a good way. In other words, when a couple is seeing eye to eye in intimacy, it can fortify a relationship, but it is not the sole purpose of that relationship. On the other hand, when one of the partners is not feeling satisfied, it can consume the relationship and become a very negative poison to a marriage.

Gottman points out that a common problem surrounding the topic of sex is that couples don’t know how to communicate. They are discussing something very personal and very delicate in a very vague way. It requires a tremendous level of trust and respect before one feels “safe” to open up, and even then it can still prove to be difficult to actually say what one is wanting. Just like the example above, it is unclear what "it" is and where the breakdown actually happened. 

Gottman says,

“No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they “vague out,” making it difficult to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.”  

He is right. We do want to “vague out.”  But, why do we? I am sure there are a plethora of reasons why,  but none are as valuable as the remedy. ie Learning to communicate about sex. Learning to be “safe” with one another. Respecting what one may be sharing, without judgment or ridicule. This does not mean you are both always required to be on the same page, and willing to do whatever the other suggests. What it does mean is that you honor each others voice, and allow for open dialog. You don’t shut each other down, and you don’t criticize one another. You speak with tenderness. You value your partner and you learn to express your deepest desires with one another.

“The best way to enrich your love life is to learn about each other’s likes and take the time to remember and memorize those things, and to use this knowledge...  It will feel like you have touched each other to the core of your souls.” 

"It" sounds like a perfect thing to perfect–talking about …hanging Christmas lights! (wink wink)

Works Cited

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. Theœ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Web.

Edited by Jeannie Guthrie on Nov 14 at 4:27pm