What Links a Couple together?

What links a couple together? 

Apparently, it is not two weeks in the Bahamas. Although, I am not sure that two weeks bidding in the Bahamas wouldn’t set you on a great path to a decent start! "Bidding" you ask? Read on.

According to Dr John Gottman linking a couple together for a long and satisfying marriage can be something as simple as making and taking bids. He says, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support.  Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.  The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini moments are.  Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

So what and why is this bidding all about?

The What? Gottman says it can be as simple as asking for a back rub or as significant as asking to assist in caring for an elderly parent. I had to chuckle when I read these sample bids. Let me explain why. A bid for a back rub in my marriage is not that simple. My husband hates giving back rubs (probably because I would literally be asking every day, several times a day). Me asking for a back rub would be a HUGE bid, and chances are I would be rejected. This has been established early on in our relationship and I know that hiring a masseuse is the way to go. My dear Hubs is always happy to foot the bill for my much-needed spa time. Reading on to what is the BIGGER bid sample, I found what would be a simple bid for our marriage. Having a parent in need and us rising to the task is an easy one! We have done it, and we will both do it again and again… easy! Gottman had my marriage all backward. Thinking this through, I gained a couple other insights into what works for us and what is important in making this all work.

• Know your bids:

Don’t be bidding for things you know you may not get! Going into it knowing it is likely to be rejected is just silly. AND FOR SURE DON’T POUT WHEN YOU ARE TURNED DOWN. (SMH, this took me some real-time to figure out. Where was Dr. Gottman when I first got married?). My dear Hubs knows he can go hunting and spoil his efforts with the latest and greatest gadgets, but don’t ask me to hold your bow while you hike some crazy terrain. That’s what his sons are for. And I know to not ask him to tickle my arm, or rub my back for hours at a time. What I can do is head to the spa to get my fix. That is what the massage therapist is for. So far, we are very happy with this arrangement.      

• Know your YES’s:

Be prepared to read between the lines. Your spouse may come to you in a time of desperation for connection and drop a taboo bid on you. When those bids come, suck it up and do it! Pretend to love it. We may not always know the reason behind these bids that we know are on the list of least favorites, but what we do know is the connection it can create for a lasting and satisfying marriage. Just do it.

• Honor the person:

When the bids are coming, honor the person that is offering the bid and/or accepting your bid. Wanting to connect with your spouse by biding is truly just wanting to be seen. If you do the gesture, but don’t offer the loving glances, or the tender touches while doing it, you are in a way still rejecting the bidder. Early on in my marriage,  my spouse and I would receive a bid, and offer a “yes” begrudgingly.  Perhaps in our selfish childlike behaviors, we were just trying to keep things fair? Whatever it was, it was bad! I am not yet sure if this is more damaging than just saying no, but I do know that it hurts the relationship either way. Put on a smile, flirt with your darling other, and accept their bid with your heart. It is not a favor you are serving; it is a person.

Happy living, happy marriage!

John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, New York City: Harmony Books [2015], 88.