Love Is in The Air

Love Is in The Air

“our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society. ... “The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” (Parker Pratt Robison, ed., Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret News Press, 1952, pp. 52–53.)

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

I love these words spoken by Elder Parley P. Pratt. They truly lead us to an understanding of sexuality that gets muddied somehow over time. We know that we have ongoing and confusing messages surrounding sexuality promoted by Hollywood, media, and other influential outlets (even political agenda’s promote a confusing message surrounding love, sexuality, and marital relations).  With so many outlets preaching a different drum, it can at times be confusing to decipher what is truth and what is simply deceit.

Lucky for us, we have access to ancient, not so ancient, and even current prophets on the matter. The words shared by Elder Pratt seem to touch a sound cord for me. First of all, he addresses the nature of our “affections.”  He says quite plainly–they are “natural.” Moving away from the message of the world regarding this, and looking at the cultural influence of our tight-knit Church of Christ communities, we see so many struggling with the sexual desires they face in their pre-married states, as being somehow sinful. This is a strong and very wrong impression to make and one we should correct whenever we can. Having sexual desires is not only normal, but it is also godly in sense. They are instilled in us by God himself.

Not only are they natural and God-given, but they are “the very main-springs of life and happiness” Our existence on earth as a human race is dependent on these desires. If all sexual desire was erased from the face of the earth, mankind would eventually die off and no longer inhabit this earth. It is essential for humanity to repopulate. Not only is it for the benefit of mankind to remain on earth, but it the very main-spring of happiness according to Pratt. When sexuality is used as God has outlined, it is fulfilling and joyful. Everything the ‘world’ tells us it should be, is contrary to God’s will and causes heartache, pain and suffering in so many ways.

I know our church leaders are leading us to a life of mortal happiness, and eternal happiness when they instruct us on these matters.

Can You SMELL That?

Can you SMELL that?

If there is one thing I have learned from reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, it would be that I should have read his book 25 years ago! In fact, why is it not mandatory reading before marriage? There should be a law. If anything, my first 25 years of “wedded bliss” could have been sheer ecstasy. But now, we will never know.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a working marriage, and a hard-working husband, and not so hard-working children, and a working family, and a sometimes working home…etc. It is all working. But at what level? I thought it was a notably above average, but definitely not approaching bliss. We have our struggles. Some years are better than others, and we were always “sticking it out”, “working through” the harder times. You know, “making it work.” Now, after exploring the prized information contained in this rather thin book, I am finding a whole new world. And some of it STINKS.

            Interestingly enough, I like the stinky smell. It lets me know that something is off track and we, my spouse and I, can quickly and effectively get that crap outta here. In the past, we were most likely lingering in the stink until it festered and caused tremendous problems in our relationship.

“Research findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marriage quality is in danger of deteriorating. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of saying something just doesn’t smell right!” - Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

I LOVE THIS! The Marital Poop Detector. BRILLIANT! And while we are on the topic of detecting poop, we might as well visit his idea of raising your standards. Expecting a great marriage is one way to set yourself up for… (not disappointment) … a more satisfying marriage! That’s right. We should have expectations, and we should share them with one another. We should want the most from our relationships, and in turn, we should have high standards for ourselves too. Marriage is a priceless investment. We should treat it as such. So, turn on your Poop Detectors, raise your expectations, and have a great marriage!

Works Cited

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. Theœ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Web.

Edited by Jeannie Guthrie on Nov 14 at 4:27pm

Let's Talk About...

Let’s talk about… Christmas Lights

BABY!

The following dialog is fictional and is in a similar pattern as presented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. in his book on marriage titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I will not use his actual non-fictional example (although his was good too), but I thought I would make it a little more applicable to the less obvious scenarios that rarely get mention, but still happen.

SHE: I don’t think you understand how it makes me feel. I don’t know why you think I would ever keep trying. I quit.

HE: I am sorry. I’m just really tired and I want to rest. It’s not you. It has nothing to do with you or us. Everything is fine. It’s just that tonight–it’s not happening.

SHE: It doesn’t feel that way. It’s humiliating. You make me feel so stupid. I will never ask you again. It’s all up to you now. If it’s ever going to happen, you will have to initiate it.

HE: You are so insecure. Why do you make it all about you? We will do it eventually, just not right now.

SHE: You are so selfish and you are putting a wedge between us.

If you haven’t guessed, this conversation is all about se …tting up Christmas lights! (That is BYUI code for “s e x.”) All joking aside. Thank heaven Gottman addresses this topic in chapter sex, I mean chapter nine of his book. I once heard it said that when both partners are on the same libido plan (frequency) then sex is a very “small” portion of marriage, but when the libido plans don't match, then sex consumes everything in a marriage, and not in a good way. In other words, when a couple is seeing eye to eye in intimacy, it can fortify a relationship, but it is not the sole purpose of that relationship. On the other hand, when one of the partners is not feeling satisfied, it can consume the relationship and become a very negative poison to a marriage.

Gottman points out that a common problem surrounding the topic of sex is that couples don’t know how to communicate. They are discussing something very personal and very delicate in a very vague way. It requires a tremendous level of trust and respect before one feels “safe” to open up, and even then it can still prove to be difficult to actually say what one is wanting. Just like the example above, it is unclear what "it" is and where the breakdown actually happened. 

Gottman says,

“No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they “vague out,” making it difficult to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.”  

He is right. We do want to “vague out.”  But, why do we? I am sure there are a plethora of reasons why,  but none are as valuable as the remedy. ie Learning to communicate about sex. Learning to be “safe” with one another. Respecting what one may be sharing, without judgment or ridicule. This does not mean you are both always required to be on the same page, and willing to do whatever the other suggests. What it does mean is that you honor each others voice, and allow for open dialog. You don’t shut each other down, and you don’t criticize one another. You speak with tenderness. You value your partner and you learn to express your deepest desires with one another.

“The best way to enrich your love life is to learn about each other’s likes and take the time to remember and memorize those things, and to use this knowledge...  It will feel like you have touched each other to the core of your souls.” 

"It" sounds like a perfect thing to perfect–talking about …hanging Christmas lights! (wink wink)

Works Cited

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. Theœ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Web.

Edited by Jeannie Guthrie on Nov 14 at 4:27pm

Death, Taxes, and Fantasy!

“There are only two certainties in life – death and taxes” 

Benjamin Franklin.

Franklin was certainly on to something with those famous 10 words, and I am quite certain there are none as of to date who have been able to prove him wrong. If he were alive today, I would like to see if he would consider adding a number 3 to his list (…and I would ask for an autograph). The number three that I believe is missing from Franklins’ life certainties is–fantasy. Death, taxes, and fantasy. Three life certainties for sure! Before you get all confused with this proposal, let me just say, read on.

H. Wallace Goddard discusses a theory he calls the Mental Inversion in his book – Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  He says,  “Psychologists tell us that we are all naive realists, which causes all of us to acknowledge that we all have limited facts and active biases. No human sees clearly. (But I do.)” He goes on, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy.” Another favorite author of mine describes this phenomenon in a unique but powerful way.

 “ “Making assumptions and then taking them personally is the beginning of hell in this world.”  Almost all of our conflicts are based on this, and it’s easy to understand why. Assumptions are nothing more than lies that we are telling ourselves. This creates a big drama for nothing, because we don’t really know if something is true or not. Making assumptions is just looking for drama when there’s no drama happening. And if drama is happening in someone else’s story, so what? It’s not your story; it’s someone else’s story.” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery

Brilliant! This is a fantastic book, and I recommend it to anyone wanting to understand this principle more clearly. Basically, if you are human, and you have human experiences, then you are living in a fantasy of sorts. Your own fantasy to be more direct. Not even this life is a reality if we really hone in on this inversion. If what we understand to be true about God, heaven and our real identity, then this whole physical world is just a trial of something that is so much more. But, staying on a more surface level, the fantasy I want to talk about is the one that is intertwined in our daily relationships. Marriage to be specific.

I cannot begin to tell you how many arguments I have been in with my spouse where both of us are arguing over what really happened. My “reality” vs his “reality.” NOBODY WINS! The truth of it all is we are both wrong. We will waist priceless “mortality” arguing fantasy. How comical this must be to those not living mortality, but watching us attempt to get it right (God). How uncomfortable we make life by believing and becoming entwined in our own fantasy of what is not real.

So, for those of us trying to avoid the “big drama for nothing” scenario as mentioned by Miguel Ruiz, then may I suggest that the three certainties of life are actually death, taxes, and fantasy.  May we own this reality of fantasy, stop trying to push our “truth,” put aside enough pride to stop arguing, and have fun LIVING! 

Live not only our own fantasy but the fantasy of everyone

else we mingle with! How fun can that be!

What Links a Couple together?

What links a couple together? 

Apparently, it is not two weeks in the Bahamas. Although, I am not sure that two weeks bidding in the Bahamas wouldn’t set you on a great path to a decent start! "Bidding" you ask? Read on.

According to Dr John Gottman linking a couple together for a long and satisfying marriage can be something as simple as making and taking bids. He says, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support.  Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.  The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini moments are.  Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

So what and why is this bidding all about?

The What? Gottman says it can be as simple as asking for a back rub or as significant as asking to assist in caring for an elderly parent. I had to chuckle when I read these sample bids. Let me explain why. A bid for a back rub in my marriage is not that simple. My husband hates giving back rubs (probably because I would literally be asking every day, several times a day). Me asking for a back rub would be a HUGE bid, and chances are I would be rejected. This has been established early on in our relationship and I know that hiring a masseuse is the way to go. My dear Hubs is always happy to foot the bill for my much-needed spa time. Reading on to what is the BIGGER bid sample, I found what would be a simple bid for our marriage. Having a parent in need and us rising to the task is an easy one! We have done it, and we will both do it again and again… easy! Gottman had my marriage all backward. Thinking this through, I gained a couple other insights into what works for us and what is important in making this all work.

• Know your bids:

Don’t be bidding for things you know you may not get! Going into it knowing it is likely to be rejected is just silly. AND FOR SURE DON’T POUT WHEN YOU ARE TURNED DOWN. (SMH, this took me some real-time to figure out. Where was Dr. Gottman when I first got married?). My dear Hubs knows he can go hunting and spoil his efforts with the latest and greatest gadgets, but don’t ask me to hold your bow while you hike some crazy terrain. That’s what his sons are for. And I know to not ask him to tickle my arm, or rub my back for hours at a time. What I can do is head to the spa to get my fix. That is what the massage therapist is for. So far, we are very happy with this arrangement.      

• Know your YES’s:

Be prepared to read between the lines. Your spouse may come to you in a time of desperation for connection and drop a taboo bid on you. When those bids come, suck it up and do it! Pretend to love it. We may not always know the reason behind these bids that we know are on the list of least favorites, but what we do know is the connection it can create for a lasting and satisfying marriage. Just do it.

• Honor the person:

When the bids are coming, honor the person that is offering the bid and/or accepting your bid. Wanting to connect with your spouse by biding is truly just wanting to be seen. If you do the gesture, but don’t offer the loving glances, or the tender touches while doing it, you are in a way still rejecting the bidder. Early on in my marriage,  my spouse and I would receive a bid, and offer a “yes” begrudgingly.  Perhaps in our selfish childlike behaviors, we were just trying to keep things fair? Whatever it was, it was bad! I am not yet sure if this is more damaging than just saying no, but I do know that it hurts the relationship either way. Put on a smile, flirt with your darling other, and accept their bid with your heart. It is not a favor you are serving; it is a person.

Happy living, happy marriage!

John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, New York City: Harmony Books [2015], 88.