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“The End of Times”
In the New Testament there is talk about the great and terrible
day, the apocalypse, the destruction of everything as we know it! No wonder it
is a constant on the New York Times Best Seller List (or at least it used to
be until they removed it for being a constant given top-seller). Who wouldn’t
want to read about so much chaos, especially if you believe it’s about your
future. In this historic record, it refers to the “four horsemen” (I know, last
week’s blog was about the 3 wolves… bare with me on the animal trend). Dr. John
and Julie Gottman have been preaching about their own version of the four horseman,
but not for the end of times, but rather regarding the end of marriages. I feel
like it is worth looking into, especially since marriages seem to be facing an apocalypse
of their own. Check out the Gottman Institute Blog regarding these deadly
horsemen.
Link provided here.
So, I think this is very powerful information, and this is
why; (drum roll) I have literally ridden on every single one of these horses at some point in my married life!
Yup, I will admit it, and if you won't, that is ok. Some of us might be in
denial, or perhaps just newly wed. Either way, I think we can all find a piece of
ourselves showing up in relationships as one or all of these horsemen.
Let's take a closer look at these nasty horsemen:
#1 The horseman of
Criticism: “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or
voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the
former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of
their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you
criticize.” The Gottman Institute Blog
#2 The horseman of
contempt: I hear this word contempt
and all I think of is a naughty lawyer being extra dramatic, and a judge
smashing his gavel, threatening contempt and jail time. (kind of like how I
behave when my naughty child is yelling at me for not liking my rulings, but
that’s for another blog, another day). Gottman explains it this way, “When we
communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect,
mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body
language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to
feel despised and worthless.”
#3 The horseman of
Defensiveness: Ok, now this is one that I am REALLY good at! Like really good!
Gotman says, “…it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been
defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on
the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the
innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
#4 the horseman of
stonewalling. I am not an enthusiast of this one, mostly because I don’t fare well
in my stonewalling skills. I should clarify that statement with if ruining my marriage were my goal.
Since it is not my goal, then I am pleased that I lack stonewalling “…is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling
occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply
stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with
their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning
out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting
behaviors.”
Now that
I see myself so clearly, and I do not care for what I am seeing, I am left with
the sheer panic of the sky is falling, the
sky is falling. Picture me running in circles with my hands flailing in the
air and that would give you a glimpse into my reaction. I quickly hunted down
my husband of 25 years to inform him that we are doomed to destruction. Book in
hand, I told him “we are in trouble!” His reaction after listening to me
explain not only how I ride along with the horsemen, but that he does too, was just
as I expected. CONTEMPT! Yup. Horseman #2, his favorite, he rolled his eyes at
me!
For sure,
we are over! And to think, I thought we were happily married before learning about
Gottman’s horsemen. Reluctantly my dear husband agreed with me, we could use
some “improving,” and we will address it right after he finished his television
show. Lucky for him, I agreed. This gave me time to study a little bit more
about how doomed we truly were. This is where the antidotes came into play. Now,
I am not going to be the big spoiler alert that ever blog-reader secretly
despises. So instead of me giving you the tea, I am going to give you the link.
The link
is posted below.
I will leave
you with a rather small teaser. We have not contacted any divorce lawyers, and in
fact, we never even really talked further about the horsemen. I am sure we will
at some point. But for now, I will just relish in the fact that my dear hubs
and I live in the antidotes, just as much, if not more than in the apocalypse.
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