CHERISHING YOUR SPOUSE

CHERISHING YOUR SPOUSE

http://lifeslittleinspirations.com/dirty-dishes-in-the-sink

I don’t know if this image is causing you as much anxiety as it is me, but my skin is crawling. Thank all that is precious and good, that this isn’t my kitchen, but if it were, I can assure you that my blood pressure would already be pumping over-oxygenated blood through my now steel veins causing my neck muscles to twitch and my “mom-eyes” to POP! (it’s a thing). I am quite certain that whoever left the mess would be nowhere to be found, cell phone silenced. And so, I would have to be mad about the ungodly mess all alone. I would also have a good 20-plus lectures rehearsed to perfection in my mind by the time I loaded the last dish into the dishwasher and the had the sink polished to a perfect shine! Yup, I am that mom. A good mom would leave the mess, go on a lovely walk, sip some tea (herbal of course), chat with a favorite neighbor, all while waiting for the suspect at large to return and solve the problem. No. That would not be me. I was raised in a home where the kitchen was always Betty Crocker ready! We had delicious meals and plenty of messes were made, but NEVER, no never was a mess left un-cleaned. Somehow this methodology was imprinted into my DNA and there it resides! So, do you want to know what is worse than the scene above?

Of course, you do! I mean truly, who wouldn’t want to know what ones’ buttons were?  There is power in this information, and since this is a blog about marriage, knowing one's buttons are key in having the upper hand to any argument! Right? Okay, here it is my friends; the one thing that tops a sink full of dirty dishes is …….(drum roll)………  A. Clean. Sink. With. One. Dirty. Dish.  Ya. I know. It's rather complex in nature. If you hate spiders, then logic would be 100 spiders is worse than one spider. Right? Wrong! Now, for those of you that “get me” on this one, you can skip the next paragraph and head to the conclusion because that is where I tie this all in together for my amazing “cherishing your spouse” blog post. If you are confused as to what is going on here then please, read on!

Because my DNA is forever altered to maintain a clean sink, and I “feel like” I am also the only human in my house who knows how to do it properly, then if there is a polished clean sink, odds are that I did it. What a beautiful sight and boy do I enjoy walking past it, just to admire my efforts. Now Imagine someone tossed a dirty dish in there. SAY WHAT? Do you see where I am headed? The clean sink is not only teasing me as it peaks o'er the one dirty dish, but it is also 100% ruined. How hard is it to rinse a dish and put it in the dishwasher I say? Where is the respect I cry? After all I do, this is what I get? The comments continue to leak out of my sometimes foul mouth, and the nagging commences. You probably think I am going to say that my dear sweet hubs of 25 years should know better and that if he “cherished me” at all, he would never think to do such a thing. C’mon, you know the drill. This is where modern-day feminism gains its supremacy.  Well, I love to let the feminists down.

Earlier today I called that man I married and I said, “Hey Man of Mine, tell me if there was one thing that I was withholding from you in our relationship, that would bring you so much happiness, what would that be?” The conversation took a turn at this point but I brought it back to important matters and this is what that man of mine had to say, “Don’t be mad at me if I put a dish in the sink.”  Feminists, before you cringe and sojourn reading my blog, hear me out. This man that is asking for this small favor from me is also the same man that is working hard at his job that pays the bills of a family of 5 humans, me included. He is the same man that maintains the home that this family of 5 resides in. He puts gas in my car when it gets low, and he pays for the gas that fills the other 4 cars that this family drives. He is the same man that is happy to order take-out when he or I don’t feel like cooking, or folds the laundry because he knows I loathe it. He supports and encourages me. He waits for me to come to bed to watch our favorite shows together, and he turns the fan off when I am cold, even if he is sweating from head to toe… I could continue but I think I will stop here. Let me just say; I will never complain again to my husband that he set a dirty dish in my (correction) in our clean sink!

What a Man!

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, on page 71, we read,

"People who are happily married like each other.  If they didn't, they wouldn't be happily married.  But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship.  that is at the core of any good marriage.  By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities- even as you grapple with each other's flaws- you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.  So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced by the four horseman."  

The End of Times

https://images.app.goo.gl/KFtvfbjzn7hkgkwz6

“The End of Times”

In the New Testament there is talk about the great and terrible day, the apocalypse, the destruction of everything as we know it! No wonder it is a constant on the New York Times Best Seller List (or at least it used to be until they removed it for being a constant given top-seller). Who wouldn’t want to read about so much chaos, especially if you believe it’s about your future. In this historic record, it refers to the “four horsemen” (I know, last week’s blog was about the 3 wolves… bare with me on the animal trend). Dr. John and Julie Gottman have been preaching about their own version of the four horseman, but not for the end of times, but rather regarding the end of marriages. I feel like it is worth looking into, especially since marriages seem to be facing an apocalypse of their own. Check out the Gottman Institute Blog regarding these deadly horsemen.

Link provided here.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

So, I think this is very powerful information, and this is why; (drum roll) I have literally ridden on every single one of these horses at some point in my married life! Yup, I will admit it, and if you won't, that is ok. Some of us might be in denial, or perhaps just newly wed. Either way, I think we can all find a piece of ourselves showing up in relationships as one or all of these horsemen.  

Let's take a closer look at these nasty horsemen:

#1  The horseman of Criticism: “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.” The Gottman Institute Blog

#2  The horseman of contempt: I hear this word contempt and all I think of is a naughty lawyer being extra dramatic, and a judge smashing his gavel, threatening contempt and jail time. (kind of like how I behave when my naughty child is yelling at me for not liking my rulings, but that’s for another blog, another day). Gottman explains it this way, “When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.”

#3  The horseman of Defensiveness: Ok, now this is one that I am REALLY good at! Like really good! Gotman says, “…it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.

#4  the horseman of stonewalling. I am not an enthusiast of this one, mostly because I don’t fare well in my stonewalling skills. I should clarify that statement with if ruining my marriage were my goal. Since it is not my goal, then I am pleased that I lack stonewalling “…is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.”

Now that I see myself so clearly, and I do not care for what I am seeing, I am left with the sheer panic of the sky is falling, the sky is falling. Picture me running in circles with my hands flailing in the air and that would give you a glimpse into my reaction. I quickly hunted down my husband of 25 years to inform him that we are doomed to destruction. Book in hand, I told him “we are in trouble!” His reaction after listening to me explain not only how I ride along with the horsemen, but that he does too, was just as I expected. CONTEMPT! Yup. Horseman #2, his favorite, he rolled his eyes at me!

For sure, we are over! And to think, I thought we were happily married before learning about Gottman’s horsemen. Reluctantly my dear husband agreed with me, we could use some “improving,” and we will address it right after he finished his television show. Lucky for him, I agreed. This gave me time to study a little bit more about how doomed we truly were. This is where the antidotes came into play. Now, I am not going to be the big spoiler alert that ever blog-reader secretly despises. So instead of me giving you the tea, I am going to give you the link.

The link is posted below.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

I will leave you with a rather small teaser. We have not contacted any divorce lawyers, and in fact, we never even really talked further about the horsemen. I am sure we will at some point. But for now, I will just relish in the fact that my dear hubs and I live in the antidotes, just as much, if not more than in the apocalypse.  

The Big Bad Wolf x3

The BIG BAD WOLF x3

We all know the story of the BIG BAD WOLF, and his relentless efforts to destroy the lil’ piggy’s! His salacious appetite led him on a journey from one pig’s home to the next, imploring, please, let me in! It truly did not matter to the wolf just how strong the physical structure protecting the piggy was, he just needed in, to eat them up! As I think about this little fairytale from every childhood past, I am amazed at the plethora of lessons available. I never gave much thought to the multiple moral applications this story contained. But today, I find MANY! I want to share one profound analogy that I have drawn, and relate it to how it applies to our lives today.

First, I want to share some insights from an article I read earlier today; Covenant Marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy. 

You can read the article here

file:///Users/phillipguthrie/Downloads/faml300_document_covenantMarriageHafen.pdf

In this rather insightful message regarding marriage and the covenant path, Elder Hafen says the following,

“Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other”

“And when the wolf comes, they flee.” I love this! Think about that for a minute. If Marriage is the topic, and the scriptural analogy he shares is about the hired hand, who should be protecting “sheep,” but is not truly invested in the sheep’s welfare. His investment is $$$. So, when presented with a “wolf” he flees! What is the wolf? It must be pretty bad, if the hired hand is not even willing to suffer it out! AND, I might add, that would have to be one determined WOLF to drive away a hired hand who will now, not be paid.

Elder Hafen lays out the WOLF/s for us in his article. He says there are actually three wolves to be aware of.

“Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves.”

Wolf Number 1 – "Natural Adversity" 

Well, this is an easy one to predict. We all know natural adversity lies just around EVERY CORNER! And, when we say our I Do’s we all assume the same–we can love through any trial. Yup, and that we are also immune to all SERIOUSLY HARD trials. You know it is true! We enter marriage with our blissfully pink glasses, where our unique love outweighs everything. Your love is stronger than any trial, and deeper than any love ever known to man! Trial-shmial! You got this. And then, BOOM! TRIAL!!! Now imagine, your prince charming doesn’t know the difference between appropriate sarcasm, and inappropriate sarcasm! Annoying right? And this–leads us into wolf number three.

Wolf Number 2 – “…the wolf of their own Imperfections” 

He chews with his mouth open. She snores when she sleeps. He spends too much money. She hides the money she spends. His jokes aren’t funny anymore. Her nagging is wearing. He spends more time away from home. She turns a cold shoulder. …you get the idea. It is amazing just how quickly the once adorable wolf of imperfections can quickly lead to a gnarly, nasty, stinky, intrusive and destructive deal-breaker!

Wolf Number 3 – Excessive Individualism. 

Hafen explains this so well:

“Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects” He continues by expressing a fear that is shared by many in today’s society, “ …that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage. Ours is the age of the waning of belonging. The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone.”

BOOM! No wonder divorce is on the rise. 

With three big bad wolves attacking our sanctuary of matrimony–on a daily basis!!! We cannot afford to turn away from the truths we know. We need to be building the brick house of Christ, to secure our marriages, our children, and our loved ones from the relentless wolves. 

I love the profound words of Elder Hafen, that fit the description of so many marital relationships of today. It is certainly prophetic on multiple levels. Elder Hafen spoke these words in 1996, when we felt as though marriage was already under attack, but that the big bad wolf would probably never attack our strong, well built, brick homes. 23 years later, we all know that is not the case! We need the Savior in our lives more now than ever. 

And now, this is where my analogy comes in. 

The wolf wanted the piggy to eat… total annihilation of the life of a pig! How will he get to him? He will attack the “home.” He knows if he tears down the structure of the home, the pig will be available for easy consumption. Attack the home, eat the pig! I believe this is the motto of the THREE BAD WOLVES, as outlined by Elder Hafen. We need to know the wolf, fortify our homes, and recommit to being that spouse! You know, the spouse that is not just for hire, but is actually in it for the welfare of the individuals.

*might I add, in the fairytale, it is in the brick house that the family is TOGETHER. YUP, TOGETHER and safe from the outside attacks raging against them. 

“May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. 14 And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy”