IN-LAW’S? OH BOY.

IN-LAW’S? OH BOY.

https://images.app.goo.gl/TAJ5URa561EVJxWf6

So, we need to cultivate family relations? We need to nurture our ties and secure our roots. Preserve the family name and identity… this is what they all say, and I say sure–if it is a healthy and safe family. What if it isn’t? Then what? Well, here is where I would like to break off and discuss something a little less flowery.

Elder Marvin J Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles discusses the value of cleaving unto your wife as outlined in scripture while reminding the parent of their role as well. He says;

 Certainly a now married-man should cleave onto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They’re still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement. Marvin J Ashton, (1974, January), He Took Him by the Hand, Ensign, 4(1), 101.

What beautiful words by Elder Ashton, however, I am sure you could pick up on my bitter self, and so I would like to focus on the last half of that quote. “Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”   Yup this is where I think things can’t get a little bit sticky.  I came from a fairly happy family, other than the occasional quarrel everyone was friends. My rose-colored glasses we’re not fit for what I was about to walk into when I got married. My husband expressed to me the dysfunction of his family but my naïve self was not able to comprehend what he was sharing with me.  I knew that a spoonful of sugar consult just about everything, right?

 Well was I in for a big surprise! To save you all the gory details I will just fill you in with a timeline. A good 10 years of heartache, disappointment, and even bouts of temporary insanity seemed to be consuming my life.  Then a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that just because someone is family does not mean that you have to create a relationship with them. If it is unhealthy and harmful, it is best to distance oneself or even sever ties if necessary.  Staying in an abusive relationship just for the sake of family was never part of Gods plan. I don’t know why we don’t teach this more often. I am sure there are plenty of little children singing primary songs about their family here on earth while being the subject of someone’s dysfunction. We are here to learn how to function as families. Sometimes we have to create our own version of the family unit. It might look like friends, award, neighbors. Whatever looks like it should be healthy.

I am grateful that we had my family to lean on even though we live far from them. I’m thankful for the in-laws I have that are healthy, and capable of having loving relationships. I’m thankful for learning about boundaries. Boundaries to saved the second 10 years of my marriage.  I was able to create a boundary that kept me and my family safe. That, I am thankful for!

Phase 2, Take 2

Phase 2, Take 2
Today, after working a short shift from the comforts of my home office, I decided to take a quick little nap on my family room sofa. I have felt very fulfilled in life up to this moment (generally speaking), and I was even looking forward to the events of my near future. My oldest daughter and her dear husband are about to bring a baby into this world­–grandma phase is underway. My oldest son is about to move out and take on adulating at his leisure–this is a good thing. My youngest, who is 17 and full of life just finished his junior football season as state champions, he got his patriarchal blessing and he openly talks of his future plans to serve a mission and attend college. So, yeah, life is good and I am excited for phase two, OR at least I was until I took this little nap on my sofa. Normally I am dreaming of holding my scrumptious soon to be flock of grandchildren, and traveling the world with my favorite husband. Perhaps my dream includes a VERY clean and quiet home, everything organized and in its place. But, unfortunately, I woke up abruptly from my nap (adulthood and a small bladder does this to me) ran to the restroom half dazed and came back out with this overwhelming feeling of I am almost done with my “life,” now what am I going to do?

The crushing sensation of completion washed over me like a tsunami. My whole life has been centered around being a mom, raising my babies and then… perhaps dying? What a rotten feeling. I guess I did not plan very far into the future. Either that or I need more children. Apparently, the three I had did not fill up a very big part of my mortality. Let me do the math here. The first 23-24 years I spent not being a mom, and if I count the next 2 years (before my youngest plans to be out), then so far I will have spent half of my life being a full-time mom. That is a good chunk of my life, right? But let’s say I live to be 80. I have got 30 more years of living to do. UGH. What a dreadful feeling to have. It’s almost like graduating from high school all over again (god bless us all for ever attending such an institution).  

So, what am I going to do with the rest of my life??? is a question that has been plaguing me all afternoon. One option I considered was to be that mom. You know the one. She is forever tightening her apron strings and meddling in her adult children’s lives. Playing the martyr and dishing out guilt to everyone for taking up residence in her uterus. I could be her. That option didn’t do much to calm my mamma panic either. So, I guess I will have to explore, ponder, contemplate, and write myself a plan for phase two of my mortality.  As for you parents out there feeling the same panic I am, and considering being that parent, may I suggest you ponder the following words spoken by Spencer W. Kimball back in 1977.

Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands, as well as wives, return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5). Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17).

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Love Is in The Air

Love Is in The Air

“our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society. ... “The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” (Parker Pratt Robison, ed., Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret News Press, 1952, pp. 52–53.)

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

I love these words spoken by Elder Parley P. Pratt. They truly lead us to an understanding of sexuality that gets muddied somehow over time. We know that we have ongoing and confusing messages surrounding sexuality promoted by Hollywood, media, and other influential outlets (even political agenda’s promote a confusing message surrounding love, sexuality, and marital relations).  With so many outlets preaching a different drum, it can at times be confusing to decipher what is truth and what is simply deceit.

Lucky for us, we have access to ancient, not so ancient, and even current prophets on the matter. The words shared by Elder Pratt seem to touch a sound cord for me. First of all, he addresses the nature of our “affections.”  He says quite plainly–they are “natural.” Moving away from the message of the world regarding this, and looking at the cultural influence of our tight-knit Church of Christ communities, we see so many struggling with the sexual desires they face in their pre-married states, as being somehow sinful. This is a strong and very wrong impression to make and one we should correct whenever we can. Having sexual desires is not only normal, but it is also godly in sense. They are instilled in us by God himself.

Not only are they natural and God-given, but they are “the very main-springs of life and happiness” Our existence on earth as a human race is dependent on these desires. If all sexual desire was erased from the face of the earth, mankind would eventually die off and no longer inhabit this earth. It is essential for humanity to repopulate. Not only is it for the benefit of mankind to remain on earth, but it the very main-spring of happiness according to Pratt. When sexuality is used as God has outlined, it is fulfilling and joyful. Everything the ‘world’ tells us it should be, is contrary to God’s will and causes heartache, pain and suffering in so many ways.

I know our church leaders are leading us to a life of mortal happiness, and eternal happiness when they instruct us on these matters.

Can You SMELL That?

Can you SMELL that?

If there is one thing I have learned from reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, it would be that I should have read his book 25 years ago! In fact, why is it not mandatory reading before marriage? There should be a law. If anything, my first 25 years of “wedded bliss” could have been sheer ecstasy. But now, we will never know.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a working marriage, and a hard-working husband, and not so hard-working children, and a working family, and a sometimes working home…etc. It is all working. But at what level? I thought it was a notably above average, but definitely not approaching bliss. We have our struggles. Some years are better than others, and we were always “sticking it out”, “working through” the harder times. You know, “making it work.” Now, after exploring the prized information contained in this rather thin book, I am finding a whole new world. And some of it STINKS.

            Interestingly enough, I like the stinky smell. It lets me know that something is off track and we, my spouse and I, can quickly and effectively get that crap outta here. In the past, we were most likely lingering in the stink until it festered and caused tremendous problems in our relationship.

“Research findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marriage quality is in danger of deteriorating. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of saying something just doesn’t smell right!” - Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

I LOVE THIS! The Marital Poop Detector. BRILLIANT! And while we are on the topic of detecting poop, we might as well visit his idea of raising your standards. Expecting a great marriage is one way to set yourself up for… (not disappointment) … a more satisfying marriage! That’s right. We should have expectations, and we should share them with one another. We should want the most from our relationships, and in turn, we should have high standards for ourselves too. Marriage is a priceless investment. We should treat it as such. So, turn on your Poop Detectors, raise your expectations, and have a great marriage!

Works Cited

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. Theœ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Web.

Edited by Jeannie Guthrie on Nov 14 at 4:27pm

Let's Talk About...

Let’s talk about… Christmas Lights

BABY!

The following dialog is fictional and is in a similar pattern as presented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. in his book on marriage titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I will not use his actual non-fictional example (although his was good too), but I thought I would make it a little more applicable to the less obvious scenarios that rarely get mention, but still happen.

SHE: I don’t think you understand how it makes me feel. I don’t know why you think I would ever keep trying. I quit.

HE: I am sorry. I’m just really tired and I want to rest. It’s not you. It has nothing to do with you or us. Everything is fine. It’s just that tonight–it’s not happening.

SHE: It doesn’t feel that way. It’s humiliating. You make me feel so stupid. I will never ask you again. It’s all up to you now. If it’s ever going to happen, you will have to initiate it.

HE: You are so insecure. Why do you make it all about you? We will do it eventually, just not right now.

SHE: You are so selfish and you are putting a wedge between us.

If you haven’t guessed, this conversation is all about se …tting up Christmas lights! (That is BYUI code for “s e x.”) All joking aside. Thank heaven Gottman addresses this topic in chapter sex, I mean chapter nine of his book. I once heard it said that when both partners are on the same libido plan (frequency) then sex is a very “small” portion of marriage, but when the libido plans don't match, then sex consumes everything in a marriage, and not in a good way. In other words, when a couple is seeing eye to eye in intimacy, it can fortify a relationship, but it is not the sole purpose of that relationship. On the other hand, when one of the partners is not feeling satisfied, it can consume the relationship and become a very negative poison to a marriage.

Gottman points out that a common problem surrounding the topic of sex is that couples don’t know how to communicate. They are discussing something very personal and very delicate in a very vague way. It requires a tremendous level of trust and respect before one feels “safe” to open up, and even then it can still prove to be difficult to actually say what one is wanting. Just like the example above, it is unclear what "it" is and where the breakdown actually happened. 

Gottman says,

“No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they “vague out,” making it difficult to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.”  

He is right. We do want to “vague out.”  But, why do we? I am sure there are a plethora of reasons why,  but none are as valuable as the remedy. ie Learning to communicate about sex. Learning to be “safe” with one another. Respecting what one may be sharing, without judgment or ridicule. This does not mean you are both always required to be on the same page, and willing to do whatever the other suggests. What it does mean is that you honor each others voice, and allow for open dialog. You don’t shut each other down, and you don’t criticize one another. You speak with tenderness. You value your partner and you learn to express your deepest desires with one another.

“The best way to enrich your love life is to learn about each other’s likes and take the time to remember and memorize those things, and to use this knowledge...  It will feel like you have touched each other to the core of your souls.” 

"It" sounds like a perfect thing to perfect–talking about …hanging Christmas lights! (wink wink)

Works Cited

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. Theœ Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Web.

Edited by Jeannie Guthrie on Nov 14 at 4:27pm